did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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