Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
