I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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