she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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