I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
