I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
