fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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