Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
