I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
