got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
