he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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