I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
