Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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