I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
