There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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