Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
