be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
