i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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