This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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