I will die if light touches me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
