Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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