3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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