Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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