so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
