We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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