my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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