That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
