He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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