I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
