I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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