Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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