I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
