the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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