I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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