I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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