Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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