Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
