You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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