I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she peed on how many people?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
