i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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