Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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