Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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