I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
