This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
