So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize