This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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