No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
