Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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