Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you will always have a special place in my vag
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
