his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Come on in and take your pants off
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