He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
