Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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