My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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