i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
His nipple licking is glorious
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